not until you, James
two of the loneliest of souls we were.
seeking something other
than the emptiness
we each faced for
far too long.
in our darkest shadows
we have the scars
from the tidal waves of
longings, a hollowed sadness,
an emptiness forcing us to forget
we should be people
with feelings foreign to us now.
we are hidden away still
for fear of an unknown force
which might sap our control,
leave us open and bleeding again,
vulnerable to those
strong currents we so deftly skirted,
so swiftly turned away from,
in favor of being alone.
it seems we are mirrors of each other
through the best
and the worst
of us.
your own truths,
to which you are blind,
i see with clarity.
and my own truths you know
instinctively. yes. you do.
so surprising, that.
not until you, James.
it was serendipitous we met,
learning together that
we loved words. the warmth
of the sun and the sea.
cats. especially cats. and all things
to bring us laughter.
for the first time i begin
to think of hope and
possibilities.
what brought us here,
this moment in time
after months of
loving… actually laughing?
was it your gift to me?
so carefully selected…
which you carried from cairo,
this ancient wooden carving
of an egyptian cat
with its secret, hidden compartment
underneath, in its belly.
i think it must be this!
a lovely omen into which
i have hidden these words,
written on a parchment scroll,
rolled tight, and tied beautifully
with a red ribbon of silk.
what i placed in there,
in the belly of our cat.
are thoughts i never had before.
not until you, James.
will they keep us together?
what about the loneliness?
if only that aloneness
is in our minds, well no matter then!
will it be these words written here?
there is more said than either
of us is willing to know yet.
living there in the belly of this cat
is the pounding of my heart.
a pounding you know so well.
only you and this cat
will ever hear how hard
the pounding is
sometimes.
not even i know its sound.
no. not until you, James.
a man who has shined
a light on the “me”
who has been missing, gone unseen.
a man who has wrenched
from its moorings
feelings of love
we both have forbidden
until now.
they are spoken for you now
because i can.
not until you, James.
in the belly of this cat
is my promise to you.
a stranger and a friend.
a man whose own soul
is as dear to me as my own.
not until you, James.
my secreted message
is written for you. and for me too.
it is time we ended our emptiness,
which could not have come before.
no. not until you, James.
my hope is that our search ends
with each other.
right here. right now.
hidden away in our ancient cat.
a proper place for love…
© Joan A. Evans 2018 All rights reserved
